Lately it seems the one asking this question give the appearance to be walking on eggshells as they ask me this. It seems they are afraid I am going to lash out and break. Granted, I know they are only asking because it is the polite thing to do. It is the way society has ingrained in us that we ask our friends, family, co-workers, and even random strangers this very question.
But so often I do want to lash out and say 'do you really want to know how I am, or are you asking simply because it is the polite thing to do?' Because quite frankly, there are many days when I want someone to feel the pain and experience this very nightmare, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to wish the loss of a child on anyone - not even my worst enemy (not that I have one). I remember saying in the early days of this ongoing nightmare, that I would wish that "enemy" a full body cast with an itch or 2 that they simply cannot reach, but this... Never. I even recall telling that to the nurses I had and they found that to be comical. I guess
now looking back at it, that is a comical statement.
I guess if I were to be honest (and most times I am), I can say I am okay. I am hanging in there and taking it one day at a time. It is truly the only thing I can really do at this point because we truly do not know when it will be our turn to meet the heavenly Father and reunite with our loved ones who have gone before us. I have to relish in the thought that I need to enjoy the time I do have on this Earth before it's time for me to go where I need to be. Many days I put on a facade that it's all okay, but inside I am completely broken. I know others are experiencing this awful nightmare too, but I just wish we didn't have to and when asked how are you we can be completely honest and say that everything is grand.
I can wish, right.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Being Angry
This week has been an emotional funk. I attended my first MEND (infant/pregnancy loss support group) meeting on Monday night. It saddens me knowing so many are going through this kind of ache that never goes away. But at the same time it comforts me to know there are others who truly understand what it is I am feeling.
The big topic of the evening was anger and how to let yourself get there. Truth be told, I have been angry since the moment in the doctor's office when they told me the worst possible scenario has happened. I have been angry at Him for taking away our son before we can truly get to know him. I am angry at Him for making me go through another pregnancy only to leave me empty handed and broken. I am angry at Him for not giving me a sign that something was severely wrong with my son. I am angry at Him for letting me go through for so long if it wasn't meant to be in the first place.
I am angry at myself for not knowing something was harming Baby AJ. I am angry at myself for failing to provide him a comforting and safe home to grow and squirm in until it was time for the rest of the world to meet his handsome face. I am angry at myself for not being able to protect him the way I was able to protect his big brother and sister when they were growing inside me. I am angry at myself for simply not knowing. I am his mom.. I should have known. How could I have not known?
I am angry at those who keep telling me it's not your fault, don't blame yourself. You did everything right. You did everything they asked of you. You poked your finger four times a day. You avoided the things you needed to. You did everything right. This is not your fault. I am angry at these statements, because as a mom I should have known. I should have been more aware. I should have been more in tune with my body.
But I know deep down, it was not my fault. And at the same time, I will always blame myself to some degree. Baby AJ was my responsibility.
The big topic of the evening was anger and how to let yourself get there. Truth be told, I have been angry since the moment in the doctor's office when they told me the worst possible scenario has happened. I have been angry at Him for taking away our son before we can truly get to know him. I am angry at Him for making me go through another pregnancy only to leave me empty handed and broken. I am angry at Him for not giving me a sign that something was severely wrong with my son. I am angry at Him for letting me go through for so long if it wasn't meant to be in the first place.
I am angry at myself for not knowing something was harming Baby AJ. I am angry at myself for failing to provide him a comforting and safe home to grow and squirm in until it was time for the rest of the world to meet his handsome face. I am angry at myself for not being able to protect him the way I was able to protect his big brother and sister when they were growing inside me. I am angry at myself for simply not knowing. I am his mom.. I should have known. How could I have not known?
I am angry at those who keep telling me it's not your fault, don't blame yourself. You did everything right. You did everything they asked of you. You poked your finger four times a day. You avoided the things you needed to. You did everything right. This is not your fault. I am angry at these statements, because as a mom I should have known. I should have been more aware. I should have been more in tune with my body.
But I know deep down, it was not my fault. And at the same time, I will always blame myself to some degree. Baby AJ was my responsibility.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Catching up
So it is 2012... supposedly this is the year that will end it all. At least that is the rumor. But I laugh in the face of this rumor. 2012 is the year I begin a new perspective on life. This is the year that will change it all. So I hope.
I am still new at this blogging concept, so bear with me as I figure out the ropes. I obviously have not posted in quite some time and A LOT has happened since my last/first post. I will try not to bore you with too many details, but I will try to catch you up.
January 2011: We found out we were expecting again. Our 3rd child. It was a total shock to us. But we accepted it.
March 2011: Our daughter turned 2 this month and she was preparing to be a flower girl in my cousin's wedding in Chicago in May. We were excited for that trip. It was much needed.
Easter 2011: We broke the news to our family that we were expecting yet again. They were just as shocked.
May 2011: We took a train trip out to Chicago for my cousin's wedding, We all had a role in it and we needed a mini-vacation too. It was the first time for me to go on a train trip like that. It was quite enjoyable even with the delays. The sleeping room we had for the longer portion of the trip (Spokane-Chicago) was interesting. A bit snug for us, but we managed. Sophia really enjoyed it and James (only 10 months at the time and already walking) had fun running up and down the lounge car.
June 2011: We celebrated my husband's birthday and were preparing for the arrival of our 3rd child.
July 2011: This was a bittersweet month for our entire family. James celebrated his first year & his entrance into the Catholic family at St. James Cathedral in Seattle with a gathering at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Talk about exhausting. But it was fun. My parents made the drive from South Dakota, so that was a treat for the kids. Then towards the end of the month, our world came crashing down. We went in for a regular prenatal check up - or so we thought, but we left the hospital with very heavy and broken hearts. We had just been told that our beautiful baby had passed away and that it was too late. I still remember that very moment as if it just happened, but I guess I always will. Our lives completely changed at that moment. We welcomed our son - Anthony James (AJ) on July 29. He is beautiful and will be forever remembered. That moment was nearly 7 months ago and my heart is still broken. But I cannot dwell on that alone for we have 2 earth angels with us who need me.
August 2011: simply a blur. But we did get to bring our son home on the day he was originally supposed to be brought into this world. That was a tough day, but I wouldn't change the day he came home. That was the day he was meant to be home with his brother and sister. Got my first tattoo this month as well. I always thought the pain of a tattoo would hurt, but there was already so much hurt in my heart that not even a needle could hurt me.
September 2011: We had the memorial Mass for AJ. We waited until this month so that both sets of grandparents would be able to attend. Then we celebrated his life at Olive Garden. Best meal. :-) the never ending pasta... eventually it does end.
October 2011: Halloween was spent at my sister's. Had fun trick or treating.
November 2011: My mom was able to make it out for Thanksgiving. :)
December 2011: I turned 34. Christmas was spent at my sister's. New Year's was spent at home trying to relax from several weeks of holidays.
January 2012: a new friend convinced me to get on the ball with selling some knitted items and to ask permission to sell objects made from other designers. Who knew I would get more positive replies for that? Go figure.
February 2012: making much needed progress on getting half started projects off the needles. Oh and I started making my own line of double pointed needles. We shall see how that endeavor goes. :-)
So now that you are caught up, I will let that sink in and wait a bit before I post again.
I am still new at this blogging concept, so bear with me as I figure out the ropes. I obviously have not posted in quite some time and A LOT has happened since my last/first post. I will try not to bore you with too many details, but I will try to catch you up.
January 2011: We found out we were expecting again. Our 3rd child. It was a total shock to us. But we accepted it.
March 2011: Our daughter turned 2 this month and she was preparing to be a flower girl in my cousin's wedding in Chicago in May. We were excited for that trip. It was much needed.
Easter 2011: We broke the news to our family that we were expecting yet again. They were just as shocked.
May 2011: We took a train trip out to Chicago for my cousin's wedding, We all had a role in it and we needed a mini-vacation too. It was the first time for me to go on a train trip like that. It was quite enjoyable even with the delays. The sleeping room we had for the longer portion of the trip (Spokane-Chicago) was interesting. A bit snug for us, but we managed. Sophia really enjoyed it and James (only 10 months at the time and already walking) had fun running up and down the lounge car.
June 2011: We celebrated my husband's birthday and were preparing for the arrival of our 3rd child.
July 2011: This was a bittersweet month for our entire family. James celebrated his first year & his entrance into the Catholic family at St. James Cathedral in Seattle with a gathering at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Talk about exhausting. But it was fun. My parents made the drive from South Dakota, so that was a treat for the kids. Then towards the end of the month, our world came crashing down. We went in for a regular prenatal check up - or so we thought, but we left the hospital with very heavy and broken hearts. We had just been told that our beautiful baby had passed away and that it was too late. I still remember that very moment as if it just happened, but I guess I always will. Our lives completely changed at that moment. We welcomed our son - Anthony James (AJ) on July 29. He is beautiful and will be forever remembered. That moment was nearly 7 months ago and my heart is still broken. But I cannot dwell on that alone for we have 2 earth angels with us who need me.
August 2011: simply a blur. But we did get to bring our son home on the day he was originally supposed to be brought into this world. That was a tough day, but I wouldn't change the day he came home. That was the day he was meant to be home with his brother and sister. Got my first tattoo this month as well. I always thought the pain of a tattoo would hurt, but there was already so much hurt in my heart that not even a needle could hurt me.
September 2011: We had the memorial Mass for AJ. We waited until this month so that both sets of grandparents would be able to attend. Then we celebrated his life at Olive Garden. Best meal. :-) the never ending pasta... eventually it does end.
October 2011: Halloween was spent at my sister's. Had fun trick or treating.
November 2011: My mom was able to make it out for Thanksgiving. :)
December 2011: I turned 34. Christmas was spent at my sister's. New Year's was spent at home trying to relax from several weeks of holidays.
January 2012: a new friend convinced me to get on the ball with selling some knitted items and to ask permission to sell objects made from other designers. Who knew I would get more positive replies for that? Go figure.
February 2012: making much needed progress on getting half started projects off the needles. Oh and I started making my own line of double pointed needles. We shall see how that endeavor goes. :-)
So now that you are caught up, I will let that sink in and wait a bit before I post again.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
All about me....
Well this is interesting. I am not really a blogger and have never really seen the point in these, but we will see how long this lasts.
A few things about me first:
I am a submariner wife and a proud mother of two. My children and husband are my family and my life. I would do anything for them so that they can be happy. I am a stay at home mom now as my daughter is 19 months old and my son is 3 months old. I am enjoying every moment I have with them (even the ones that drive me insane). I used to work for an insurance company in Seattle for 8 years prior to becoming a mom.
Being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job there is. It may not pay in money, but it pays in kisses and hugs from your children. Those are priceless. When your child learns to give you a kiss or a hug and does it constantly, there is nothing better. Seeing their faces light up as they do something new for the first time makes it all worthwhile.
I recently took up knitting and crocheting as a way to make something for my children that someday they will be able to pass down to their children and so forth. I realize now that this is not a "cheap" hobby, but it is a rewarding hobby when your children play with or wear the items made for them. I am still a novice knitter/crocheter, so scarves, blankets and wash cloths are what I can really do. I have made a couple hats as well, but that is the hardest thing I have made so far. Currently I am attempting a sweater for my son and a dress for my daughter. I have made her a kimono as well, but my clothing making abilities still have a long way to go.
I hope that with this blog I will be able to keep up with it and post my progress as I make these clothes and other items for my children and husband and occasionally, myself.
A few things about me first:
I am a submariner wife and a proud mother of two. My children and husband are my family and my life. I would do anything for them so that they can be happy. I am a stay at home mom now as my daughter is 19 months old and my son is 3 months old. I am enjoying every moment I have with them (even the ones that drive me insane). I used to work for an insurance company in Seattle for 8 years prior to becoming a mom.
Being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job there is. It may not pay in money, but it pays in kisses and hugs from your children. Those are priceless. When your child learns to give you a kiss or a hug and does it constantly, there is nothing better. Seeing their faces light up as they do something new for the first time makes it all worthwhile.
I recently took up knitting and crocheting as a way to make something for my children that someday they will be able to pass down to their children and so forth. I realize now that this is not a "cheap" hobby, but it is a rewarding hobby when your children play with or wear the items made for them. I am still a novice knitter/crocheter, so scarves, blankets and wash cloths are what I can really do. I have made a couple hats as well, but that is the hardest thing I have made so far. Currently I am attempting a sweater for my son and a dress for my daughter. I have made her a kimono as well, but my clothing making abilities still have a long way to go.
I hope that with this blog I will be able to keep up with it and post my progress as I make these clothes and other items for my children and husband and occasionally, myself.
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