How are you?

Lately it seems the one asking this question give the appearance to be walking on eggshells as they ask me this.  It seems they are afraid I am going to lash out and break.  Granted, I know they are only asking because it is the polite thing to do.  It is the way society has ingrained in us that we ask our friends, family, co-workers, and even random strangers this very question.

But so often I do want to lash out and say 'do you really want to know how I am, or are you asking simply because it is the polite thing to do?'  Because quite frankly, there are many days when I want someone to feel the pain and experience this very nightmare, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to wish the loss of a child on anyone - not even my worst enemy (not that I have one).  I remember saying in the early days of this ongoing nightmare, that I would wish that "enemy" a full body cast with an itch or 2 that they simply cannot reach, but this... Never. I even recall telling that to the nurses I had and they found that to be comical.  I guess
now looking back at it, that is a comical statement.

I guess if I were to be honest (and most times I am), I can say I am okay.  I am hanging in there and taking it one day at a time.  It is truly the only thing I can really do at this point because we truly do not know when it will be our turn to meet the heavenly Father and reunite with our loved ones who have gone before us.  I have to relish in the thought that I need to enjoy the time I do have on this Earth before it's time for me to go where I need to be. Many days I put on a facade that it's all okay, but inside I am completely broken. I know others are experiencing this awful nightmare too, but I just wish we didn't have to and when asked how are you we can be completely honest and say that everything is grand.

I can wish, right.

Being Angry

This week has been an emotional funk.  I attended my first MEND (infant/pregnancy loss support group) meeting on Monday night.  It saddens me knowing so many are going through this kind of ache that never goes away.  But at the same time it comforts me to know there are others who truly understand what it is I am feeling.

The big topic of the evening was anger and how to let yourself get there.  Truth be told, I have been angry since the moment in the doctor's office when they told me the worst possible scenario has happened.  I have been angry at Him for taking away our son before we can truly get to know him.  I am angry at Him for making me go through another pregnancy only to leave me empty handed and broken.  I am angry at Him for not giving me a sign that something was severely wrong with my son.  I am angry at Him for letting me go through for so long if it wasn't meant to be in the first place. 


I am angry at myself for not knowing something was harming Baby AJ.  I am angry at myself for failing to provide him a comforting and safe home to grow and squirm in until it was time for the rest of the world to meet his handsome face.  I am angry at myself for not being able to protect him the way I was able to protect his big brother and sister when they were growing inside me.  I am angry at myself for simply not knowing.  I am his mom.. I should have known. How could I have not known?

I am angry at those who keep telling me it's not your fault, don't blame yourself.  You did everything right. You did everything they asked of you.  You poked your finger four times a day.  You avoided the things you needed to.  You did everything right. This is not your fault.  I am angry at these statements, because as a mom I should have known.  I should have been more aware.  I should have been more in tune with my body. 

But I know deep down, it was not my fault.  And at the same time, I will always blame myself to some degree.  Baby AJ was my responsibility.