Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Progress Made

With just a little over a month to go before our Earthly son turns 2 and our Heavenly angel turns 1, I have come to a lot of epiphanies in the last few weeks.
  1. I no longer have the desire to not be in the area when the first Angelverssary arrives.  I realize now wanting to leave was a bit stupid.   As if leaving was really going to change anything.  Our son is still in heaven and not physically with us.  He is everywhere we are, so leaving would have been counterproductive.  Perhaps it was more of a desire to go somewhere we as a family can celebrate his life and not be looked at strangely or judged for celebrating a first birthday with no birthday boy to show.  I want people to know he existed for 35.5 weeks.  He was breathing, kicking, punching, and doing all sorts of baby acrobats while in the womb during those 35.5 weeks.  He arrived - just not the way we wanted him to.  He will forever be remembered.  He will never be forgotten.  He has impacted so many then and now.  His legacy will live on.
  2. A big epiphany for me a few weeks ago was when my husband made mention that I seem to dwell on AJ's death.  But the truth of the matter is, I have accepted what has happened.  I am not happy about it, and probably never will be.  What parent would?  I have accepted that God has a grander scheme for each of us and some of us that scheme lasts longer than others.  AJ's was 35.5 weeks. Mine, like many of us, is unknown, but there is a scheme.  Whether we choose to accept that is on us.  And I have gladly accepted mine.  The death I am grieving now is the death of the possibility of what is called the "rainbow" baby. The baby one has after a loss.  I have come to realize that there are just too many factors against me for even thinking about having a rainbow baby.  This is one of the hardest things to come to terms with, but at the same time, we have two beautifully perfect Earthly angels, so I will throw my energy into trying to make their life as happy as it can be.  When they are ready, I am sure they will have questions about their baby brother and we will answer them to the best of our ability.  Right now all they need to know is they have an Angel Brother named AJ and we blow kisses to him.
  3.  The biggest epiphany came yesterday while I was attending my MEND meeting.  I didn't really realize it at the moment it was taking place, but after having some time to just regroup from a busy day with an eye appointment (dilation was done = YUCK), it dawned on me that I wasn't anxious about meeting with my friend and her husband and their almost 10-month old baby boy.  All I realized at the time of our meeting was that AJ and Mason would be in the same age group and would probably have been faces at each other while my older two and the adults did our thing.  A few months ago, seeing a baby boy who would be about the age AJ would be made me so anxious it was unreal.  It was like the beginning all over again when I would get so heartbroken seeing a newborn.  But yesterday was huge for me.  I didn't get that anxious feeling and I was able to play a little bit with the little one.  He has some ticklish baby feet. 
  As my friend and I were talking she had mentioned that living where we do, stores should realize they should be selling pants year round, but that is another issue in itself.  She was having a difficult time finding 12 month pants for her little man, so I told her that since our son recently outgrew them along with some 18 month items, I would gather them and give them to her.  I know that AJ would have wanted that because that is his Earthly buddy.  AJ may not be here, but he can still help in many ways.  Plus, I'd rather the clothes go to someone I know rather than a bunch of strangers. So being able to go through all the clothes without the anxiety was another big step.

These were my epiphanies over the last few weeks.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Seeing "The Light"

  It is after 1 AM, and yet I find myself awake.  Perhaps it is the late dose of caffeine or perhaps it is because sleep still seems to escape me from time to time. Tonight is one of those evenings, but at the same time I have been itching to add a new post. So here it goes.
  About a week ago, my husband and I had a late night conversation.  Things that needed to be said were said.  But more importantly after he went back to bed, I stayed awake because something he said struck a nerve in me.  He said that he doesn't seem to understand what's wrong with the two beautiful children we have with us, but that I seem to be preoccupied with our son, AJ's death.  That statement has stayed fresh in my mind the last few days.  I wasn't hurt by it by any means, but it did get me thinking.
  Yes... I miss AJ.  Yes... I wish he were here in my arms.  Yes... I wish he didn't die.  Yes... I wish I could see how he would have interacted with his daddy and siblings.  Yes... I want my son back.  But I know, and have accepted that was not part of the greater plan.  I have forgiven Him for taking our son so early.  I have thanked Him for letting me stay with my husband and two beautiful children here while one beautiful angel patiently awaits our arrival.  Yes... I am still a bit angry at Him for putting us through this agony.  Hence the reason I cannot seem to step back into the church.  However, with that said, I know the true church is not a fancy building with the stained glass of the saints, altars of marble, or ornate entry ways.  The true church is your own personal relationship with God within your own body.  Your body is the church.  How you treat is the real meaning of the word - at least to me.
  Anyway, after realizing that and being told the above statement, I came to another huge revelation in my grief.  Yes.. I am sad about my son's death. I always will be. I am his mommy.  I did all I could to keep him here with us, but God had other plans for him.  God needed another special angel for a special job in heaven and AJ is that angel.  The revelation I came to though, is not this plan, but the grief I am feeling is for the death of the hope for any future children.  The idea of a "rainbow" baby for me is just that - an idea. It will never be a reality.  And no, neither of us are "fixed," but at the same time, I know I could not go through another pregnancy without constantly worrying if the placenta will backfire on our child again.  I will not be able to fully enjoy the pregnancy if it were to happen because I would be too stressed out to enjoy it thinking of all the things going wrong or that could go wrong. 
  That is the grief I feel these days.  One day as AJ's first Angelversary gets closer I will post our story, and perhaps that post will help clarify this one a little more, but until then, this is where I am at in my grief.  I will forever miss AJ, but I do have two beautiful and amazing children with me here on Earth and an amazing husband/life partner to go through this journey with.  I know AJ would want me to focus on that.  I know he would not want me to dwell on his death, for if I did, he would have died in vain.  He did what he did for a reason and that is so I can still be here with James and Sophia.