It is after 1 AM, and yet I find myself awake. Perhaps it is the late dose of caffeine or perhaps it is because sleep still seems to escape me from time to time. Tonight is one of those evenings, but at the same time I have been itching to add a new post. So here it goes.
About a week ago, my husband and I had a late night conversation. Things that needed to be said were said. But more importantly after he went back to bed, I stayed awake because something he said struck a nerve in me. He said that he doesn't seem to understand what's wrong with the two beautiful children we have with us, but that I seem to be preoccupied with our son, AJ's death. That statement has stayed fresh in my mind the last few days. I wasn't hurt by it by any means, but it did get me thinking.
Yes... I miss AJ. Yes... I wish he were here in my arms. Yes... I wish he didn't die. Yes... I wish I could see how he would have interacted with his daddy and siblings. Yes... I want my son back. But I know, and have accepted that was not part of the greater plan. I have forgiven Him for taking our son so early. I have thanked Him for letting me stay with my husband and two beautiful children here while one beautiful angel patiently awaits our arrival. Yes... I am still a bit angry at Him for putting us through this agony. Hence the reason I cannot seem to step back into the church. However, with that said, I know the true church is not a fancy building with the stained glass of the saints, altars of marble, or ornate entry ways. The true church is your own personal relationship with God within your own body. Your body is the church. How you treat is the real meaning of the word - at least to me.
Anyway, after realizing that and being told the above statement, I came to another huge revelation in my grief. Yes.. I am sad about my son's death. I always will be. I am his mommy. I did all I could to keep him here with us, but God had other plans for him. God needed another special angel for a special job in heaven and AJ is that angel. The revelation I came to though, is not this plan, but the grief I am feeling is for the death of the hope for any future children. The idea of a "rainbow" baby for me is just that - an idea. It will never be a reality. And no, neither of us are "fixed," but at the same time, I know I could not go through another pregnancy without constantly worrying if the placenta will backfire on our child again. I will not be able to fully enjoy the pregnancy if it were to happen because I would be too stressed out to enjoy it thinking of all the things going wrong or that could go wrong.
That is the grief I feel these days. One day as AJ's first Angelversary gets closer I will post our story, and perhaps that post will help clarify this one a little more, but until then, this is where I am at in my grief. I will forever miss AJ, but I do have two beautiful and amazing children with me here on Earth and an amazing husband/life partner to go through this journey with. I know AJ would want me to focus on that. I know he would not want me to dwell on his death, for if I did, he would have died in vain. He did what he did for a reason and that is so I can still be here with James and Sophia.