Sleep has been quite elusive for me these days. This time last year, it was understandable as to why sleep was so elusive. I had an almost 2 year old (now 3), a newly walking 9 month old, and was almost 6 months pregnant with an active little munchkin growing inside me. But now... it's not so easy to understand why sleep hides from me.
Perhaps it is because even though I may be exhausted beyond belief after taking care of a 3 year old, a 21 month old, 2 birds, some fish, a house full of chores, I just cannot seem to fall asleep when my head hits the pillow. I am comfortable, but yet I am uncomfortable. I guess that is because I am often reminded by the fact that there should be a 9 month old in the house too and there isn't.
Maybe sleep is hiding from me because I don't want to have to think that AJ's First Angelversary is quickly approaching and quite frankly, I do NOT want to be in this area at the time. That may sound strange, but it is true. I feel as if I need to really get away from here. But what will that really solve? Not a lot. What will it change? Probably not much either. Getting away from here at that time, won't erase the fact that our son is not here with us. Going away will not erase the heartache I feel on a constant basis. Going away will not make me whole again. Going away will not bring back our son. Going away will not change the feeling I have each night as I try to fall asleep.
We may not have planned to have 3 children back to back the way it happened. But it did and we accepted it as our fate. We accepted that was the plan for us and were prepared to take it on. We did not foresee the heartache we are enduring now, but somehow we are accepting it. Sleep was once so comforting when we accepted our task to be parents to 3 young children close in age, but now sleep isn't so comforting. It has become a necessity so that I can function and take care of the things and people I need to during the day, but at night it seems to be my worst enemy.