Birthday Wishes to an Angel

My dear Angel in heaven... Happy Birthday!  As of July 29,2012 you turned 1 year old.  It is hard for me to fathom that a full year has gone by since you entered thru the pearly gates with St. Peter leading you to God.  Not a day goes by since the moment we learned of your sudden departure from our lives that I think about what milestones you would be achieving now.

I wonder if you would be walking already so that you could keep up with you big brother and sister.  I wonder how much babbling you would be doing.  I wonder what secret language you and your brother and sister would be creating. I wonder how you three would be playing with each other.

There will be a lifetime of wonders and what ifs, but thanks to your bravery I will have a lifetime of memories with your daddy, big sister Sophia, and big brother James.  It is because of your bravery that I have taken the step to create my website selling items I have crafted.  While I craft, I feel your presence, so your essence is going into every piece created.

Your birthday was well celebrated.  Your grandparents (my parents) came the day before for a week long visit.  Your sister welcomed their arrival to your aunt's (my sister) place.  Your brother and I had some check ups at the hospital, but the day after that we joined your sister and grandparents in on the fun. 

Your first birthday was on a Sunday.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  There was a slight breeze.  Daddy, James, & I went to a favorite park in Poulsbo where a balloon was released at your exact time of birth.  At the same moment a NAVY Blue Angel F16 fighter jet also flew over the park.  It was also the beginning of a favorite time around Seattle - Seafair.  Your balloon decided to stay in the trees for a little while before starting the journey to you in heaven.  Daddy went to check to see if "you" were still hanging around in the trees on the day that your brother and I went to your aunt's house.  You had begun your journey home already by then. 

In our family it is tradition to have noodles for a birthday to signify a long life.  So with that in mind, we went to dinner and had noodles for you.  Meanwhile, in Bellevue, the rest of your family went to Mass, lit a candle for you, celebrated with food, and your sister picked out a single serving of a carrot cake and blew the candle for you.  Even now she is still saying happy birthday to you. :)  She may never have gotten to know you like she does James, but she does miss you.  We all do and always will.

Last week when your sister, brother, & I finally returned home we picked up daddy and had dinner.  Then we went to the store and your sister picked out some balloons she wanted to send to you.  She was so proud at that moment of selecting just the right one for her to send to you.  It was definitely a perfect way to celebrate your short, but brave life.

Heaven Welcomes Home an Angel Part 2

Well as promised, here I am with the remainder of my little hero's story.  I decided to finish his story a year from the date we were told the heart breaking news rather than on his birthday.  I want his birthday blog to be a happy one. As happy as it can be with him being up there and all of us down here.

So after hearing my options which were to be 1) admitted right there and then since we were already in labor & delivery, 2) go to my scheduled c-section date of August 18, or 3) go home, and return on Monday.  Well there was no way I wanted to be admitted right there and then. That wasn't in the plan.  Then again, neither was this, but I wasn't thinking that at the time.  All I knew was I didn't want to be in the hospital anymore - at least anymore that day.  That day - July 27, 2011 at 3PM was supposed to be a happy afternoon, but instead it became a continuous nightmare.  Plus we had 2 little ones with us too.  That meant having them sleep in the hospital with us or have my husband and them go home while I as alone in the hospital.  I know I did NOT want that either.  Our plan was to have our friend/doula be there with us on the day that AJ was supposed to arrive so that my husband could be in the operating room with me and the kids were with someone they knew.  Again... that WAS the plan.  Silly things plans are. (I will post about that another time).

I knew I didn't want to wait until my scheduled date either, because that just didn't seem safe to me or logical.  Doing so would just give me the false hope that they were all WRONG and that AJ was alive.  But when they told me there was fluid around major organs already, I knew they weren't wrong.  That's the drawback to being the child of physicians.  Being able to understand the body language of the doctors and the whispering about certain things not being where they are supposed to be.  I knew that option was not a viable one for me because I may be "okay" now, but who is to say that my body won't turn on me again.  After all it already turned against my son, so what was to stop it from going the next step?

That leads us to the option I did take, but with a slight modification.  Since the 27th was a Wednesday and the weekend was approaching, the on call OB thought it would be best I come back on Monday.  However, I decided that wasn't going to work for me either because it is just a shortened version of option 2.  I decided (with much prompting from my parents) to return on Friday, July 29.  So with that, I was discharged and my family and I left the hospital in tears and I was completely numb.  All while they told me this news, I was also still in school finishing my Master's program, so I had that weighing on me too. But I will digress from that for the moment. 

I remember my husband driving as I was in no condition to be behind the wheel.  We didn't go home immediately.  Instead we went for a long drive just crying and thinking maybe they are wrong, but that can't be since they used four different machines.  We ended up at the Poulsbo Waterfront Park - a favorite of ours since the kids love playing in the gazebo.  I just sat in the car crying and I sent a text messages to my best friend from high school and another friend - both of whom had losses.  I also sent a message to our friend J, who was going to be there on the scheduled date in August and I had to ask if she could be there earlier than planned.  Again... with the plan.   I don't recall much of the conversations with my three friends, but what I do remember is just saying to the two who have had losses "I completely understand now."  And with that they knew. 

Telling friends was one thing, but how were we going to tell our parents?  We decided to tell them the next day.  So Thursday, was the day of all the dreaded phone calls.  First I called Nurse K who has been with me through all three pregnancies and scheduled to come in Friday morning to speak with her about getting me on the c-section schedule for Friday.  Then I called my parents who are in South Dakota.  I called my mom first (I think).  I know she was alone in her factory.  I really didn't know how to tell her other than they couldn't find a heartbeat and that he had passed.  At that point, I can envision my mom slumping in a chair completely shocked.  No one outside of my husband, our doctors, myself, and our friend knew we were having another boy.  I don't remember much of that call either other than her asking if I had told my father yet.  I said no and he was my next call.  And so I called my father at his office.  He knew I had a check up the day before, so he asked about that and I said the only thing I could think of - they couldn't find a heartbeat.  As soon as I said that, my dad went into what I would call his bedside manner for a practicing physician who has to deliver bad news to a patient.  Again, I am drawing a blank at the conversation.  I just remember calling or emailing my sister next.  Strangely enough I don't even remember doing that.  I think I was on autopilot after being so numb. 

I then emailed my instructor for the class I was taking at the time and letting him know what had happened.  He was very understanding and said for me not to worry about any of the deadlines anymore and to just turn in the work by the end of the term and I wouldn't be docked for being late.  He also said to not work on the group project anymore as I was dealing with more than enough.  I am thankful for having an instructor who had compassion for the issue at hand.  I apparently passed the class, but don't recall how since I don't recall turning anything in, but I must have. Plus my husband who finished the same program earlier in 2011, did my online homework for me. LOL.

Okay... (sorry this is long, but I don't want to forget any of the details I do remember, so forgive me if I babble through or get off on a tangent).  I know we did other things that Thursday afternoon, but I can only see snippets of it.  I recall my husband dropping me off to meet with our friend J for dinner and to make the arrangements for the next day and he took our other two kids to the park to play.  Eventually Friday came rolling around and we headed to the hospital. 

We first met with our friend who took over watching the kids while my husband and I met with Nurse K to just talk and cry.  She then asked if we would like to have the chaplain from Bangor to visit with us.  I said yes. Father C arrived and sat with us for as long as he could.  He prayed for AJ and us.  Then I asked if it was okay to be furious with God for doing such a horrendous act.  Father C said who better to place your anger upon than God.  He can handle it. Oh and believe me I was ANGRY with HIM for a LONG LONG LONG time. (That will be another post).

Then it came time to admit me to labor and delivery and get all the paperwork rolling on that.  It was probably about noon when I was put in a room and started filling out all the papers that were supposed to be filled at the next check up. But since that didn't happen, I was doing it all before they wheeled me in to the operating room,.  The anesthesiologist offered me a medication that would wipe out my short term memory and I thought how cruel is that.  Why would I want to do that?  Of course I rejected that and off to the OR we went.   When in the OR, they administered the anesthesia and hooked up all the machines to me.  It took them quite some time to put the catheter in so the medication's time clock was ticking away and they had not even begun to operate yet. While that was happening I recall joking around with the anesthesiologist.  He asked where I was from and I told him a combination of NYC and South Dakota. He then asked what was in South Dakota, and I said "Cows. Maybe a few pigs."  That lightened up the mood temporarily.  Then I remember "arguing" with the same anesthesiologist about having the announcement bell made to say "Baby Boy Arriving."  I am not sure of the terminology, but I know it is a Naval thing.  Anyway, they told me that they usually don't do that in times like this out of respect for the grieving family, but I said no.  I told them he is still arriving.  Albeit not the way we wanted, but he was still arriving, so they agreed to do that and I am glad because I remember hearing it. :)

Finally, the doctor who was going to perform my c-section, Dr. C came in and began.  Somehow I still kept expecting that all of them were wrong and that I would hear a cry when AJ was born.  I knew that wasn't a possibility, but stranger things have been known to happen in the medical world.  As Dr. C was performing the surgery, he said that I already had a rupture.  So then I thought not only am I going to have a stillborn child, but they are also going to have to do a hysterectomy now too. As if things weren't bad enough.  But thankfully after another OB/GYN came in to look at what Dr. C had seen, they determined they didn't have to go to that extreme.

At 3:32 in the afternoon of July 29,2011, our Angel AJ was born.  He may not have been born the way we wanted him to be, but he was there.  He was/is beautiful.  He is perfect - a mini version of his big brother.  He was 5 pounds 8 ounces and 19.75 inches long at 35.6 weeks old. 

After he was born and the closing process began, I recall the medication starting to wear off to the point of being able to feel Dr. C doing whatever it was he was doing to close me up and getting the sensation back in my right leg enough that I could wiggle my leg and touch the nurses.  They eventually did something after I couldn't take the pain anymore and the next thing I knew I was back in the room with my husband and he was holding his son.  The hospital sent someone to take pictures, which I am so thankful for.  Granted they are tough to look at, but I am grateful for them.

Eventually our friend J had to go home because she had three of her own to take care of.  At that time, my husband went home with our kids and I had time with AJ.  Father C returned to perform a special blessing for AJ.  To this day I wish that blessing was to make him alive again, but sadly it was not. The next day Dr. C came to check on me and explained a little more about the rupture he had seen when he was delivering AJ.  He said it was about a 2 inch gash and on a uterus that has gone through three pregnancies in 2.5 years, that is a significant gash.  He then asked if I had felt any pain, cramping, spotting, or bleeding or any of the things that are associated with a uterine rupture.  I said no, but should I have?  I mean, if I did, then perhaps AJ would be here right now.  He said he was shocked I did not feel anything, but wasn't totally surprised because of how AJ was presenting himself on the table.  Apparently, the reason I didn't feel any of the usual symptoms was because AJ had lodge the right side of his head in that gash.  Dr. C said a gash like that with a uterus as thin as I had would normally be catastrophic on the mom as well, but for me to have survived is somewhat of a miracle. 

AJ is truly my hero.  He saved my life.  He knew what he had to do to save me so that I could be here for his daddy, big sister, and big brother. He knew I would be sad for a long time, but he knew we would meet again.  He knew he served his purpose in that brief time.  He knew he would always be loved by us and God and that he will NEVER be forgotten.  What a smart little boy he is.  I can only hope I make my heavenly and earthly angels proud.

So there you have it... My hero's 35.6 week life story. 

Heaven Welcomes Home an Angel - Anthony James Part 1

With 12 days to go, I think it is time to post AJ's story.  This will be the first and only time I will probably ever delve into the nitty gritty of his life story.  Albeit a brief one, it was an amazing one.

  The holidays of 2010 had just come to an end and we rang in the new year.  James had just turned five months old and his big sister was 21 months old.  It is hard to believe now that they are 2 years old and 3 years old.  Anyway, 2011 was met with open arms.
  Shortly into the new year, we all received our flu vaccinations and a couple days later I began to feel a bit off.  I thought it was just a reaction to the flu mist as it was the first time I had taken it.  Turns out, it was not a reaction to the mist at all.  I was pregnant (again).
  Unlike the other 2 pregnancies, this one came as a total shock to my husband and I as I was still nursing James and my cycle had not returned yet.  After confirming the home pregnancy test at the hospital and getting the EDD of August 25, 2011, immediate thoughts of how are we going to do this began to settle in my mind.  By that date, my husband was just about to retire from the Navy after 20 years of service; James would be just a little over 13 months old; Sophia would be 29 months old; and I would be finishing up my Masters Degree program.  How was I going to handle a toddler, a 1-year-old, a new born and finish my program?  I realize now, that seems like a lot of whining for a 30something year old, but it was truly what was going on in my mind.
  As the months went on, the effects of shock began to wear off and feelings of happiness took over.  One morning while I was feeding James (he had been weaned a little earlier than I hoped), Bill and Sophia were having a daddy/daughter morning.  Bill saw the baby names book on the table near Sophia.  By then we already knew we were having another boy, so I wanted to make sure he had the same middle name as his big brother and dad (James).  So, Bill flipped through and asked Sophia to tell him when to stop and point to a name.  She pointed to Anthony and so that was it.  Big sister named her baby brother. :)
  When we heard his heartbeat for the first time, all my fears of how it was going to be come August 2011 were replaced with hope and determination.  I didn't know how we were going to do it, but we were going to manage.  All the appointments went well.  His heartbeat was strong.  I wasn't gaining a lot of weight.  I was managing to finish my school work.  All while taking care of an infant, a toddler, and a household.  The only thing that seemed to be of concern to Dr. B and staff was AJ's enlarged placenta.  They ran all the tests they knew of that could cause an enlarged placenta, and all came back negative.  Nothing was wrong - except for his placenta.
  They had me do all the timed glucose tests. And those came back fine.  Although they came back fine, they were still concerned about the possibility of gestational diabetes, so they had me see the nutritionist to get a diet that may help and do the finger prick 4 times a day.  I did all.  I did all the tests.  I changed my diet.  I did the finger pricking to to the point that I wasn't feeling it anymore.  And still no answer or change to the placenta issue.  However, everything else was going well.  He was progressing along perfectly.  Dr. B and staff decided to just keep an eye on the placenta at each appointment to make sure nothing was changing or causing distress to AJ.
  We surprised everyone come Easter 2011 when we sent a card from the kids - all 3 of them. :)  I remember my mom calling to find out the due date, as she thought it was in November 2011 since we told them April.  She was shocked (just like everyone else) to find out that it was in August.  She was a little concerned for me since this was my third pregnancy in less than three years and I have had two c-sections already.  But at the same time she was happy to have another grandchild on the way.
  Mid-May we went on a train ride to Chicago for my cousin's wedding.  We all had a role in it - even 10-month old James. ;)  Sophia was a flower girl.  Family there were shocked about the pregnancy, but were happy too.
  June 2011 was pretty uneventful as far as the appointments were concerned.  The placenta was still being watched, but AJ was doing well  We had a 3D/4D ultrasound done in Bellevue since we had one done for the previous two pregnancies.  Now I must say I am glad we did that since that is the only video we have of AJ alive and kicking.
  A few weeks later we celebrated James entrance into the Catholic family with his baptism at St. James Cathedral in Seattle.  My parents were able to make the drive out from South Dakota for that celebration and to help celebrate James' first birthday.  I remember my mom saying  that I was already presenting low and she didn't think I would make it to my scheduled c-section date of August 18.  She thought, I would go into labor by the end of July.   It's quite uncanny to think how freakishly right my mom was about us welcoming AJ by the end of July 2011.
  Two weeks after we celebrated James' baptism and first birthday,  I went in for my 36 week prenatal check up.  I remember it was July 27 - a Wednesday afternoon.  All four of us were there.  Bill (my husband) was watching James and Sophia in the waiting area since there were toys that were keeping them entertained.  Dr. B and the corpsman did all the routine vitals.  Then it was time to check on AJ and I noticed the mood in the room change.  Dr. B tried to play off the first Doppler to being finicky because it needed new batteries.  So he got a newer one, and his mood was still the same.  He then got the portable ultrasound machine and immediately turned the screen away from me.  It was at that moment I knew he was going to give me the worst news of my life.  He brought in Dr. D - an expert ultrasound tech and OBGYN, and he confirmed what Dr. B found.  Then they broke the news to me.
  I remember feeling so numb.  It was as if I left my body and didn't want to return until they changed the finding.  But they wheeled me to Labor & Delivery and put us in a room.  They brought another ultrasound machine - and nothing changed.  My immediate thought was DAMN! Of course I was hoping the ultrasound machine in Family Medicine was wrong, but unfortunately it wasn't.  Then they had the on call OBGYN talk to me and give me options.  I could 1) be admitted right there and then, 2) go home and come back after the weekend, 3) go to my scheduled date.  I opted for the go home option, but come back on Friday.

This is where I will end part 1 of this heroic angel's story.  Part 2 will come in 10 days....

Progress Made

With just a little over a month to go before our Earthly son turns 2 and our Heavenly angel turns 1, I have come to a lot of epiphanies in the last few weeks.
  1. I no longer have the desire to not be in the area when the first Angelverssary arrives.  I realize now wanting to leave was a bit stupid.   As if leaving was really going to change anything.  Our son is still in heaven and not physically with us.  He is everywhere we are, so leaving would have been counterproductive.  Perhaps it was more of a desire to go somewhere we as a family can celebrate his life and not be looked at strangely or judged for celebrating a first birthday with no birthday boy to show.  I want people to know he existed for 35.5 weeks.  He was breathing, kicking, punching, and doing all sorts of baby acrobats while in the womb during those 35.5 weeks.  He arrived - just not the way we wanted him to.  He will forever be remembered.  He will never be forgotten.  He has impacted so many then and now.  His legacy will live on.
  2. A big epiphany for me a few weeks ago was when my husband made mention that I seem to dwell on AJ's death.  But the truth of the matter is, I have accepted what has happened.  I am not happy about it, and probably never will be.  What parent would?  I have accepted that God has a grander scheme for each of us and some of us that scheme lasts longer than others.  AJ's was 35.5 weeks. Mine, like many of us, is unknown, but there is a scheme.  Whether we choose to accept that is on us.  And I have gladly accepted mine.  The death I am grieving now is the death of the possibility of what is called the "rainbow" baby. The baby one has after a loss.  I have come to realize that there are just too many factors against me for even thinking about having a rainbow baby.  This is one of the hardest things to come to terms with, but at the same time, we have two beautifully perfect Earthly angels, so I will throw my energy into trying to make their life as happy as it can be.  When they are ready, I am sure they will have questions about their baby brother and we will answer them to the best of our ability.  Right now all they need to know is they have an Angel Brother named AJ and we blow kisses to him.
  3.  The biggest epiphany came yesterday while I was attending my MEND meeting.  I didn't really realize it at the moment it was taking place, but after having some time to just regroup from a busy day with an eye appointment (dilation was done = YUCK), it dawned on me that I wasn't anxious about meeting with my friend and her husband and their almost 10-month old baby boy.  All I realized at the time of our meeting was that AJ and Mason would be in the same age group and would probably have been faces at each other while my older two and the adults did our thing.  A few months ago, seeing a baby boy who would be about the age AJ would be made me so anxious it was unreal.  It was like the beginning all over again when I would get so heartbroken seeing a newborn.  But yesterday was huge for me.  I didn't get that anxious feeling and I was able to play a little bit with the little one.  He has some ticklish baby feet. 
  As my friend and I were talking she had mentioned that living where we do, stores should realize they should be selling pants year round, but that is another issue in itself.  She was having a difficult time finding 12 month pants for her little man, so I told her that since our son recently outgrew them along with some 18 month items, I would gather them and give them to her.  I know that AJ would have wanted that because that is his Earthly buddy.  AJ may not be here, but he can still help in many ways.  Plus, I'd rather the clothes go to someone I know rather than a bunch of strangers. So being able to go through all the clothes without the anxiety was another big step.

These were my epiphanies over the last few weeks.

Seeing "The Light"

  It is after 1 AM, and yet I find myself awake.  Perhaps it is the late dose of caffeine or perhaps it is because sleep still seems to escape me from time to time. Tonight is one of those evenings, but at the same time I have been itching to add a new post. So here it goes.
  About a week ago, my husband and I had a late night conversation.  Things that needed to be said were said.  But more importantly after he went back to bed, I stayed awake because something he said struck a nerve in me.  He said that he doesn't seem to understand what's wrong with the two beautiful children we have with us, but that I seem to be preoccupied with our son, AJ's death.  That statement has stayed fresh in my mind the last few days.  I wasn't hurt by it by any means, but it did get me thinking.
  Yes... I miss AJ.  Yes... I wish he were here in my arms.  Yes... I wish he didn't die.  Yes... I wish I could see how he would have interacted with his daddy and siblings.  Yes... I want my son back.  But I know, and have accepted that was not part of the greater plan.  I have forgiven Him for taking our son so early.  I have thanked Him for letting me stay with my husband and two beautiful children here while one beautiful angel patiently awaits our arrival.  Yes... I am still a bit angry at Him for putting us through this agony.  Hence the reason I cannot seem to step back into the church.  However, with that said, I know the true church is not a fancy building with the stained glass of the saints, altars of marble, or ornate entry ways.  The true church is your own personal relationship with God within your own body.  Your body is the church.  How you treat is the real meaning of the word - at least to me.
  Anyway, after realizing that and being told the above statement, I came to another huge revelation in my grief.  Yes.. I am sad about my son's death. I always will be. I am his mommy.  I did all I could to keep him here with us, but God had other plans for him.  God needed another special angel for a special job in heaven and AJ is that angel.  The revelation I came to though, is not this plan, but the grief I am feeling is for the death of the hope for any future children.  The idea of a "rainbow" baby for me is just that - an idea. It will never be a reality.  And no, neither of us are "fixed," but at the same time, I know I could not go through another pregnancy without constantly worrying if the placenta will backfire on our child again.  I will not be able to fully enjoy the pregnancy if it were to happen because I would be too stressed out to enjoy it thinking of all the things going wrong or that could go wrong. 
  That is the grief I feel these days.  One day as AJ's first Angelversary gets closer I will post our story, and perhaps that post will help clarify this one a little more, but until then, this is where I am at in my grief.  I will forever miss AJ, but I do have two beautiful and amazing children with me here on Earth and an amazing husband/life partner to go through this journey with.  I know AJ would want me to focus on that.  I know he would not want me to dwell on his death, for if I did, he would have died in vain.  He did what he did for a reason and that is so I can still be here with James and Sophia.

Sleep Hides

  Sleep has been quite elusive for me these days.  This time last year, it was understandable as to why sleep was so elusive.  I had an almost 2 year old (now 3), a newly walking 9 month old, and was almost 6 months pregnant with an active little munchkin growing inside me.  But now... it's not so easy to understand why sleep hides from me.
  Perhaps it is because even though I may be exhausted beyond belief after taking care of a 3 year old, a 21 month old, 2 birds, some fish, a house full of chores, I just cannot seem to fall asleep when my head hits the pillow.  I am comfortable, but yet I am uncomfortable.  I guess that is because I am often reminded by the fact that there should be a 9 month old in the house too and there isn't.
  Maybe sleep is hiding from me because I don't want to have to think that AJ's First Angelversary  is quickly approaching and quite frankly, I do NOT want to be in this area at the time.  That may sound strange, but it is true.  I feel as if I need to really get away from here.  But what will that really solve?  Not a lot.  What will it change?  Probably not much either.  Getting away from here at that time, won't erase the fact that our son is not here with us.  Going away will not erase the heartache I feel on a constant basis.  Going away will not make me whole again.  Going away will not bring back our son.  Going away will not change the feeling I have each night as I try to fall asleep.
   We may not have planned to have 3 children back to back the way it happened. But it did and we accepted it as our fate. We accepted that was the plan for us and were prepared to take it on.  We did not foresee the heartache we are enduring now, but somehow we are accepting it. Sleep was once so comforting when we accepted our task to be parents to 3 young children close in age, but now sleep isn't so comforting.  It has become a necessity so that I can function and take care of the things and people I need to during the day, but at night it seems to be my worst enemy.

How are you?

Lately it seems the one asking this question give the appearance to be walking on eggshells as they ask me this.  It seems they are afraid I am going to lash out and break.  Granted, I know they are only asking because it is the polite thing to do.  It is the way society has ingrained in us that we ask our friends, family, co-workers, and even random strangers this very question.

But so often I do want to lash out and say 'do you really want to know how I am, or are you asking simply because it is the polite thing to do?'  Because quite frankly, there are many days when I want someone to feel the pain and experience this very nightmare, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to wish the loss of a child on anyone - not even my worst enemy (not that I have one).  I remember saying in the early days of this ongoing nightmare, that I would wish that "enemy" a full body cast with an itch or 2 that they simply cannot reach, but this... Never. I even recall telling that to the nurses I had and they found that to be comical.  I guess
now looking back at it, that is a comical statement.

I guess if I were to be honest (and most times I am), I can say I am okay.  I am hanging in there and taking it one day at a time.  It is truly the only thing I can really do at this point because we truly do not know when it will be our turn to meet the heavenly Father and reunite with our loved ones who have gone before us.  I have to relish in the thought that I need to enjoy the time I do have on this Earth before it's time for me to go where I need to be. Many days I put on a facade that it's all okay, but inside I am completely broken. I know others are experiencing this awful nightmare too, but I just wish we didn't have to and when asked how are you we can be completely honest and say that everything is grand.

I can wish, right.

Being Angry

This week has been an emotional funk.  I attended my first MEND (infant/pregnancy loss support group) meeting on Monday night.  It saddens me knowing so many are going through this kind of ache that never goes away.  But at the same time it comforts me to know there are others who truly understand what it is I am feeling.

The big topic of the evening was anger and how to let yourself get there.  Truth be told, I have been angry since the moment in the doctor's office when they told me the worst possible scenario has happened.  I have been angry at Him for taking away our son before we can truly get to know him.  I am angry at Him for making me go through another pregnancy only to leave me empty handed and broken.  I am angry at Him for not giving me a sign that something was severely wrong with my son.  I am angry at Him for letting me go through for so long if it wasn't meant to be in the first place. 


I am angry at myself for not knowing something was harming Baby AJ.  I am angry at myself for failing to provide him a comforting and safe home to grow and squirm in until it was time for the rest of the world to meet his handsome face.  I am angry at myself for not being able to protect him the way I was able to protect his big brother and sister when they were growing inside me.  I am angry at myself for simply not knowing.  I am his mom.. I should have known. How could I have not known?

I am angry at those who keep telling me it's not your fault, don't blame yourself.  You did everything right. You did everything they asked of you.  You poked your finger four times a day.  You avoided the things you needed to.  You did everything right. This is not your fault.  I am angry at these statements, because as a mom I should have known.  I should have been more aware.  I should have been more in tune with my body. 

But I know deep down, it was not my fault.  And at the same time, I will always blame myself to some degree.  Baby AJ was my responsibility. 

Catching up

So it is 2012... supposedly this is the year that will end it all. At least that is the rumor. But I laugh in the face of this rumor.  2012 is the year I begin a new perspective on life. This is the year that will change it all. So I hope.

I am still new at this blogging concept, so bear with me as I figure out the ropes.  I obviously have not posted in quite some time and A LOT has happened since my last/first post.  I will try not to bore you with too many details, but I will try to catch you up.

January 2011: We found out we were expecting again. Our 3rd child. It was a total shock to us. But we accepted it.

 March 2011: Our daughter turned 2 this month and she was preparing to be a flower girl in my cousin's wedding in Chicago in May.  We were excited for that trip. It was much needed.

Easter 2011: We broke the news to our family that we were expecting yet again. They were just as shocked.

May 2011: We took a train trip out to Chicago for my cousin's wedding, We all had a role in it and we needed a mini-vacation too.  It was the first time for me to go on a train trip like that.  It was quite enjoyable even with the delays.  The sleeping room we had for the longer portion of the trip (Spokane-Chicago) was interesting. A bit snug for us, but we managed.  Sophia really enjoyed it and James (only 10 months at the time and already walking) had fun running up and down the lounge car.

June 2011:  We celebrated my husband's birthday and were preparing for the arrival of our 3rd child.

July 2011: This was a bittersweet month for our entire family.  James celebrated his first year  & his entrance into the Catholic family at St. James Cathedral in Seattle with a gathering at the local Chuck E. Cheese.  Talk about exhausting.  But it was fun.  My parents made the drive from South Dakota, so that was a treat for the kids. Then towards the end of the month, our world came crashing down.  We went in for a regular prenatal check up - or so we thought, but we left the hospital with very heavy and broken hearts.  We had just been told that our beautiful baby had passed away and that it was too late.  I still remember that very moment as if it just happened, but I guess I always will. Our lives completely changed at that moment. We welcomed our son - Anthony James (AJ) on July 29.  He is beautiful and will be forever remembered. That moment was nearly 7 months ago and my heart is still broken. But I cannot dwell on that alone for we have 2 earth angels with us who need me.

August 2011: simply a blur. But we did get to bring our son home on the day he was originally supposed to be brought into this world. That was a tough day, but I wouldn't change the day he came home. That was the day he was meant to be home with his brother and sister. Got my first tattoo this month as well. I always thought the pain of a tattoo would hurt, but there was already so much hurt in my heart that not even a needle could hurt me.


September 2011: We had the memorial Mass for AJ.  We waited until this month so that both sets of grandparents would be able to attend. Then we celebrated his life at Olive Garden. Best meal. :-) the never ending pasta... eventually it does end.

October 2011: Halloween was spent at my sister's. Had fun trick or treating.

November 2011: My mom was able to make it out for Thanksgiving. :)

December 2011: I turned 34.  Christmas was spent at my sister's. New Year's was spent at home trying to relax from several weeks of holidays.

January 2012: a new friend convinced me to get on the ball with selling some knitted items and to ask permission to sell objects made from other designers.  Who knew I would get more positive replies for that? Go figure.

February 2012: making much needed progress on getting half started projects off the needles. Oh and I started making my own line of double pointed needles. We shall see how that endeavor goes. :-)

So now that you are caught up, I will let that sink in and wait a bit before I post again.